i am up at 3am. i think i slept too early at like 11pm just now. but i think i am just feeling unsettled so i woke up. i feel like taking a shower. or waking my brother up. he is asleep beside me now and having a million strange positions and changing them every 2o seconds. i think he is having a dream in which he is itchy, because he is scratching himself here then there. but i suppose it is a happy dream because he is smiling like a stupid fool to himself. ok, now as i type, there must be something tasty in his dream because he is smacking his lips again and again. how fascinating. i think he can be a living sleeping exhibition.


at this moment, i am feeling nauseous, blue, nostalgia. i ask, why God why? i try not to think about some things nowadays. i try very hard and i deserve a prize for my success. but really, now and here, i ask again, why? God, why? i hardly comprehend- my mind is a random swirl, of thoughts that i am being treated unfairly; of it is my own fault; of desiring something; of wanting to be rid of the exact thing i am desiring. i ask God why, as if i desire what is missing from my life now, but yet i know i cant shake off the guilt that follows me into the dark (lonely) nights. haha. dark lonely nights. hurhur. i amuse myself. (ehhh. this is suppose to be a melancholic post, but i feel like laughing now)

and all this because i once loved you.